I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]