I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
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Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK