I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
You Might Also Like
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.