I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
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[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea