I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
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My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Orange is oranging 🟠
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win