I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
You Might Also Like
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
What personal space?
My dog
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I’ve had worse
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Ovenable?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.