Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

Old old old old old west

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

At Walmart during the holidays like..

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?