Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

yeah not falling for this one

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Toxic snake

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.