I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.