I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.