Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Godspeed, John Glenn

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad