I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps