I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.