[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
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I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
What do you hear?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
the composer
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?