i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
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Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
best review i’ve ever seen
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese