Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

how it started vs how it ended

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

some cats are just doing for fun!

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.