Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

🇺🇸🤭

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*