Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.