I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I was just at a restaurant and they yelled out order 867 so I yelled out 5309 and absolutely nobody laughed, how does nobody find this funny?
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁
Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If you drink a gallon of water per day, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy peeing.
Stay hydrated my friends.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[god to lions]
You will be the symbol of power and prestige
[sees the crickets]
Ew. Uh…you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs
I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.