My diet was going really well until I woke up.
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot