I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
You Might Also Like
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.