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I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”