I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
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Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
how much for the angry fruit?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.