You Might Also Like
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
That’s it.I’m out.
