Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

RT if you know someone like this!!!

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.