Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.