Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Just a bush.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

¯_(ツ)_/¯

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?