Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

same vibe as tangled headphones

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

I am HOWLING at this

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

Good for him.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends