Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

#JohnTravolta

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

Guys, I found it.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood