Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

out-housing market appears to be strong

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.