I was just discussing this with my cat
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Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.