I was just discussing this with my cat
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My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind