I was just discussing this with my cat

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Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE


That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.


I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.


*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please


WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
WIFE: 3½ kilos
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool


Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again


Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money


[alarm goes off]

me: *presses snooze button*

foot cramp: hahahahaha nope


Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.