@TheToddWilliams
@iwearaonesie
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
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@iwearaonesie
@Donna_McCoy
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
@rn_murse
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
@RadWizzy
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
@TeaAndCopy
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
@cool_as_heck
Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again
@VeganZebra
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
@junejuly12
[alarm goes off]
me: *presses snooze button*
foot cramp: hahahahaha nope
@VexingVixxen
Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.