I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
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Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
fired
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.