Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Camping tip: No.

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.