Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Canadian owl: Eh?

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.