I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Put this video in the Louvre
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient