I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
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You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac