Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.