Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz!

[30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds