Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.