I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids