I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
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Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL