I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
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[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
aura
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.