I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
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Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Rather alarming headline…
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?