I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
It’s an epidemic…
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.