Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.