I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
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*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Had an epiphany today.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.