Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.