Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

Pringles

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

(2022)

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.