Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

same vibe as tangled headphones

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Customize Your Wedding.

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.