Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing