i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Extremely relatable.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under