i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Okay me first
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.