I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
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The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”