Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

perfect

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

Interior designer.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.