Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

Is this a threat?

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Oh we’ve met.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.