I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
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When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
podcasts
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.