@CatherineLMK

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

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@roob_drummer

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@ZackBornstein

Shocked my dog voted against the bipartisan commission to investigate the scraps of my favorite sandals in his teeth

@ddsmidt

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

@dafloydsta

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

@Rikidus

Just Checked my voicemail. I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago.

@4handfuls

Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house…

@rocketsurgeon6

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.