I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.