I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
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Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.