Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.