I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
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Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350掳 for 45 minutes.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: It鈥檚 sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I鈥檓 sick in bed.
Cat: I think I鈥檒l eat the eyes first.
My prescription isn鈥檛 ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Welcome to your 40s: here鈥檚 an extra chin.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 馃拃馃槀馃槀
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Mothers just don鈥檛 eat their young like they used to.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Art by Pastelkatto
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn鈥檛
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.