Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip