i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
This will never not be funny 😭
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed