Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.