i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
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700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
#titanic
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.