I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
You Might Also Like
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
when there are deer in the woods
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.