@krisv_723

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

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@flashember

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

@BromanConsul

1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”

“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”

@Holy_Mowgli

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

@shkeeber

If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

@ermahgarton

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

@AnExocticBeach

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

@Iwriteforcats

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

@FrenulumBreve

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..