Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy thanksgiving

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

My wife has the worst taste in men.

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*