i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
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This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.