i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset