i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
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Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My work here is don’t.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
How do horror writers compete with current events?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?