I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
same bro
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Sorry I made promises on Friday