I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou