I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.