I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
You Might Also Like
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?