Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

Clients after you give them your rates

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!