I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Netflix and you sit over there.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..