i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
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My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’