i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit