Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.