I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
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“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.