Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy