I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.